miscarrage, mother in law, and new baby

first poem in a while not that great but i threw it together so what can i expect?

 

i never wanted much
maybe to love me
as a daugher in law and such

but to you i am a problem
and your thoughts of me
are actually quite dim

i am carrying your first
your single grandson
and you think of me as a curse

i have no intintion
of keeping you away
not you or any other kin

im sorry you feel
so shallow inside
but here is the deal

my first was lost
my heart was broke
my life completly tossed

that was a hurt
i never want to feel
so i was careful who i alert

this one is growing
so please be understanging
and ever so loving

so im sitting in a field with a bunch of other people next to a huge hotel and we cleaning the trash out of the feild the grass is ablut 3-4 feet high and i walk up to a tree to the right there are two bottles both about a foot tall and about 8 inches in diamater one is brand new and the other is almost completly full i turn in a circle to my left and call out to the others that there was stuff overhere that needed to be cleaned up. while turning i notice a patch of grass laying down so i walk closer to it to find out that it is a tiger that is about twice the size of a regular one. a man walks up with a gun and is about to shoot it when i notice it has a collar on and i stop him. on the collar there is a dog tag on the back it says Name:______ phone #:________ address:_______ but they were all empty. from there my fream jumps so that im in the hotel and this tiger is now following me EVERYWHERE i try to go to the bathroom and it follows me in i leave and it follows me out i run it runs well after a while i get just ahead of it that im able to get in the bathroom and lock the door whild hiding in the stall i hear someone turn on the water and i walk out to see who it is. it is my mom i tell her that there is a tiger outside and she looks at me with disbelief! telling me that there is now way that there is a tiger in the hotel let alone waiting for me outside the door so what does she do? she unlocks the freaking door and in trots the tiger she shakes her head and leaves the tiger stands infront of the door and bows down as if to let me on its back so i do somehow the door to the bathroom is opened and we take off going super fast down the hall way in this hotel he runs in to the lobby and my grandmother is there then we are out side. the kids are playing with these flooting disk things that once they have the speed that you can float around until it comes to a stop. they were getting them to go by using a roap connected to a 4 wheeler then after they start floating they let the rope go well there is a little girl about 6-7 and the tiger grabs her rope and takes off down the road so i get in my car and follow them when i finally catch up the little girl is holding the rack of an suv the tiger is running next to the suv and the suv is connected to a big rig with a trailer something happens to the big rig and it jack knifes the road has been cut out of rock and the suv was im my heave being slung in slow motion twords a wall of rock the tifer jumps on the big rigs traler as if to stop it and somehow maybe the tiger slowed it down or cousioned it he stoped the suv from hitting the little girl runs to me crying “mommy” and i find out the tiger had been squished to death between the trailer and rock.

M-I-L rant

so march 27th 2011 i found out i was pregnant and after what happened in august – september of last year i was real contious on who we told so early so that IF i miscarried again then i didnt have to worry about forgetting to tell someone and months later have them get ahold of me and ask me how the baby was doing and having to relive the miscarrage. so i only told 3 friends both of our mothers his step-dad and his brother and sister i believe. making sure that i told them all to keep it to themselves for a while and off facebook. well his mother took it as i was treating her like a child and we ended up in a huge disagreement because of it. now we are 22w1d pregnant and found out today that we are having a BOY! well i was on facebook after posting ultrasound pictures on facebook and his mom contacts me this is like the first time we have talked sense the disagreement and she actually makes the comment “when yall move back out here i hope i will get to see my grandson” which kinda ticked me off but i replyed with “of course you will” the origional plan was to have the ultrasound tech write girl or boy in it and i would open it sunday 2 days later sense it was my birthday but to save problems about “this pregnancy is all about me” i had the tech write in the card and then imediatly opened it to make EVERYONE happy. well tonight i was going through my husbands phone and found a text from her asking him “am i allowed to post it on facebook until she does? i dont want problems like last time” well first of all this is an ENTIRELY different situation this time i was wanting to tell everyone and if they already knew i was pregnant then who cares if they knew that i was having a boy or a girl last time it was to protect my emotions feelings or what ever this time WHO CARES! in the end all the messages came across to me kinda like she was blaming me for the past arguments and trying to say things to set me off again. i used to really like and respect his mom but here lately it is getting harder for me to still believe like that. i kinda dont know what to do or expect im afraid of saying or doing something that will make more arguments or problems. i know when you marry someone you marry the family too i just wish she was more understanding about why i do some of the things that i do.

To finish my story from November 19, 2010.

Thanksgiving Day he took the ring back later that day he proposed me the correct way down on one knee, And of course I said yes a second time.  With a married the following July the third to be exact and a honeymoon to Palm Springs followed, courtesy of his grandparents.  I spend about a month in California with him before flying back on the Oklahoma.  In August I found out I was pregnant I tried gonna tricare, and was told I would have better luck going to free clinic.  September came and i was finally covered by tricare I went in to see the Dr. and found out I miscarried.  October I started a new birth control and started having pains on my right side I thought it was because of the miscarriage but the Dr. assured me that it was not, he actually didn’t even believe me there was anything wrong.  I didn’t find out until November 17 that the pain was connected to a bad gallbladder two days later they send me in for emergency surgery.  December 15 my dad and I drove up to California with all my belongings, and I’ve been here ever since.  March 23, 2011 Gary and I found out I was pregnant again and shortly after found that I was due November 24, 2011.  Now that brings us pretty much up to date right now I live in a two bedroom apartment with an upstairs and down downstairs, downstairs I have a kitchen, laundry room, living room, pantry, dining room(computer room) a closet and 1/2 bath.  Upstairs I have a large closet, full bathroom, towel closet, and two bedrooms.  We have two dogs and four fish tanks.  He plans to re-enlist, but has little hope of acceptance.  We plan to return home to Texas after his enlistment is up next march.  And that’s 118 in the 40 or eight <—– that was supposed to be in “Oh my freaking god it’s 1:18 in the morning” however I’m typing this with my voice and not even touching the keyboard so it gets things confused.  OK I think that’s enough of an update, so I’m going to get off here and go to bed where I should’ve been 2 hours ago.