miscarrage, mother in law, and new baby

first poem in a while not that great but i threw it together so what can i expect?

 

i never wanted much
maybe to love me
as a daugher in law and such

but to you i am a problem
and your thoughts of me
are actually quite dim

i am carrying your first
your single grandson
and you think of me as a curse

i have no intintion
of keeping you away
not you or any other kin

im sorry you feel
so shallow inside
but here is the deal

my first was lost
my heart was broke
my life completly tossed

that was a hurt
i never want to feel
so i was careful who i alert

this one is growing
so please be understanging
and ever so loving

so im sitting in a field with a bunch of other people next to a huge hotel and we cleaning the trash out of the feild the grass is ablut 3-4 feet high and i walk up to a tree to the right there are two bottles both about a foot tall and about 8 inches in diamater one is brand new and the other is almost completly full i turn in a circle to my left and call out to the others that there was stuff overhere that needed to be cleaned up. while turning i notice a patch of grass laying down so i walk closer to it to find out that it is a tiger that is about twice the size of a regular one. a man walks up with a gun and is about to shoot it when i notice it has a collar on and i stop him. on the collar there is a dog tag on the back it says Name:______ phone #:________ address:_______ but they were all empty. from there my fream jumps so that im in the hotel and this tiger is now following me EVERYWHERE i try to go to the bathroom and it follows me in i leave and it follows me out i run it runs well after a while i get just ahead of it that im able to get in the bathroom and lock the door whild hiding in the stall i hear someone turn on the water and i walk out to see who it is. it is my mom i tell her that there is a tiger outside and she looks at me with disbelief! telling me that there is now way that there is a tiger in the hotel let alone waiting for me outside the door so what does she do? she unlocks the freaking door and in trots the tiger she shakes her head and leaves the tiger stands infront of the door and bows down as if to let me on its back so i do somehow the door to the bathroom is opened and we take off going super fast down the hall way in this hotel he runs in to the lobby and my grandmother is there then we are out side. the kids are playing with these flooting disk things that once they have the speed that you can float around until it comes to a stop. they were getting them to go by using a roap connected to a 4 wheeler then after they start floating they let the rope go well there is a little girl about 6-7 and the tiger grabs her rope and takes off down the road so i get in my car and follow them when i finally catch up the little girl is holding the rack of an suv the tiger is running next to the suv and the suv is connected to a big rig with a trailer something happens to the big rig and it jack knifes the road has been cut out of rock and the suv was im my heave being slung in slow motion twords a wall of rock the tifer jumps on the big rigs traler as if to stop it and somehow maybe the tiger slowed it down or cousioned it he stoped the suv from hitting the little girl runs to me crying “mommy” and i find out the tiger had been squished to death between the trailer and rock.

M-I-L rant

so march 27th 2011 i found out i was pregnant and after what happened in august – september of last year i was real contious on who we told so early so that IF i miscarried again then i didnt have to worry about forgetting to tell someone and months later have them get ahold of me and ask me how the baby was doing and having to relive the miscarrage. so i only told 3 friends both of our mothers his step-dad and his brother and sister i believe. making sure that i told them all to keep it to themselves for a while and off facebook. well his mother took it as i was treating her like a child and we ended up in a huge disagreement because of it. now we are 22w1d pregnant and found out today that we are having a BOY! well i was on facebook after posting ultrasound pictures on facebook and his mom contacts me this is like the first time we have talked sense the disagreement and she actually makes the comment “when yall move back out here i hope i will get to see my grandson” which kinda ticked me off but i replyed with “of course you will” the origional plan was to have the ultrasound tech write girl or boy in it and i would open it sunday 2 days later sense it was my birthday but to save problems about “this pregnancy is all about me” i had the tech write in the card and then imediatly opened it to make EVERYONE happy. well tonight i was going through my husbands phone and found a text from her asking him “am i allowed to post it on facebook until she does? i dont want problems like last time” well first of all this is an ENTIRELY different situation this time i was wanting to tell everyone and if they already knew i was pregnant then who cares if they knew that i was having a boy or a girl last time it was to protect my emotions feelings or what ever this time WHO CARES! in the end all the messages came across to me kinda like she was blaming me for the past arguments and trying to say things to set me off again. i used to really like and respect his mom but here lately it is getting harder for me to still believe like that. i kinda dont know what to do or expect im afraid of saying or doing something that will make more arguments or problems. i know when you marry someone you marry the family too i just wish she was more understanding about why i do some of the things that i do.

To finish my story from November 19, 2010.

Thanksgiving Day he took the ring back later that day he proposed me the correct way down on one knee, And of course I said yes a second time.  With a married the following July the third to be exact and a honeymoon to Palm Springs followed, courtesy of his grandparents.  I spend about a month in California with him before flying back on the Oklahoma.  In August I found out I was pregnant I tried gonna tricare, and was told I would have better luck going to free clinic.  September came and i was finally covered by tricare I went in to see the Dr. and found out I miscarried.  October I started a new birth control and started having pains on my right side I thought it was because of the miscarriage but the Dr. assured me that it was not, he actually didn’t even believe me there was anything wrong.  I didn’t find out until November 17 that the pain was connected to a bad gallbladder two days later they send me in for emergency surgery.  December 15 my dad and I drove up to California with all my belongings, and I’ve been here ever since.  March 23, 2011 Gary and I found out I was pregnant again and shortly after found that I was due November 24, 2011.  Now that brings us pretty much up to date right now I live in a two bedroom apartment with an upstairs and down downstairs, downstairs I have a kitchen, laundry room, living room, pantry, dining room(computer room) a closet and 1/2 bath.  Upstairs I have a large closet, full bathroom, towel closet, and two bedrooms.  We have two dogs and four fish tanks.  He plans to re-enlist, but has little hope of acceptance.  We plan to return home to Texas after his enlistment is up next march.  And that’s 118 in the 40 or eight <—– that was supposed to be in “Oh my freaking god it’s 1:18 in the morning” however I’m typing this with my voice and not even touching the keyboard so it gets things confused.  OK I think that’s enough of an update, so I’m going to get off here and go to bed where I should’ve been 2 hours ago.

wow its been a while heres an update

so 2 years huh? dang….. ALLOT of stuff has happened….. to start let me explain something a bit better in my past posts i talk about a guy names Ryan he is my ex and will forever stay that way we do still talk from time to time but its just a friendly hey how are you doing. sense then (i think my last post was dec 08) some stuff has happened and here is a quick rough outline

feb 09 Gary a guy who i really liked back in early high school got ahold of me and asked my to dinner with him and his family for his pre-deployment leave (yes like Ryan but marine not navy lol) and i said yes =) that night was a handful let me tell ya to start before food was even brought out i dumpped my drink alllllllll in my lap but i tried to play it cool i went to the bathroom cleaned up and came back out his family was great then after dinner he was taking me home and we were in a part of town neither of us knew well….. soooo you guessed it we got lost but no worries i had GPS on my phone and it helped out ALLOT well until it died lol thankfully we still got back to our own houses though lol

 

from feb 09 to nov09 we talked on the phone weekly and things started to move nicely

 

nov 09 he came home and we shared his time mostly together between his family and mine the day before thanks giving he asked me to marry him (for those of you who think we moved fast we had known each other for 5 years  and dated before with out any problems we “broke up” when he for got to tell me he was joining the military) everything was going great

Dream ~ 12-15-08

i went to PA i guess i moved there and the first thing that i did was, go to a wildlife reserve? well i told Ryan i was on my way beck to his place, but i must have been new to the area, it was raining and i didn’t know how to get around. well i finally got there and everything was fine he told me that he was gonna pick up up from school the next day (i guess i as in college) so we went to sleep and the next thing i know im walking out a door and getting in a pickup that i have never seen before, but Ryan was driving. We went to an almost abandoned park and there was a mother deer with 2 fawns, the fawns werent afraid of people at all and they just ran up to you…after awhile we heard s vehicle and he told me to put the babies with the mother and run them off, but they wouldn’t go. a man a boy about 10 and a set of twins all for out of the car truck or what ever and demanded that i give them the babies…. i refused and the twins who couldn’t have been more than 7 were all yelling and the 10 y/o started in there was a big fight and the know is i have a gun in my face…… by Ryan, i start crying and its like he realises that i was the one that he had the gun on and he dropped it and hugged it, that was the end of the dream….

Update on life

So just as a little update….
As many of you know the love of my life and I are not dating anymore, we broke up about 2 and a half months ago, but we still talk all the time and it doesn’t seem like much has changed between us he still tells me he loves me and about 3 weeks ago i went and seen him (he lives in PA) again nothing had changed.

What has changed: Hes interested in another girl, and here is part of a convo between us

 

Me: what am i to you?
Him: you are my best friend, i can talk to you about anything, even about her and you may not like to hear about it but you still listen to what i have to say.

Hes right I do listen and i try to give him advice as if he meant nothing but a friend to me, but really it hurts…. it hurts allot. I’m sitting here watching the guy i wanted to spend the rest of my life with, love another girl. And not just any girl but a girl that lies to him with every word she says. When i try to talk to him about it he just says “cant you leave it alone? this is something that i feel that i have to do” the thing that bothers me the most is that no matte how much i listen i cant tell him how i feel (not that he doesn’t already know) but i want to be able to say it and express every feeling that i have with voice, i don’t want someone to just assume what I’m going to say. (also this girl is his ex, the one that he dated before me) i guess what i’m trying to say is i’m tired of being honest (or at least trying to be honest when it comes to this) i sit here and i try to tell him exactly how i feel, i do my best not to lie to him all the way down to i felt guilty that i went through his yahoo convo, that i had to tell him about it. but in the end the uncontrollable lier still has his heart. He knows me better than anyone, and i would like to think that i know him pretty well to, i don’t want to lose what i have with him but at the same time i don’t have much choice. Its been 2 and a half months, and in that time i have been asked out by 2 guys and my ex tried to come crawling back. one of the guys i really fucked things up with, the other i couldn’t even go out with him when he asked and their was no way that i could take the ex back that asked. It feels like i’m trapped i cant/don’t want to date anyone else other than him, but the loneliness is tearing my apart, i’m not as strong as i used to be…… He helped me over some so much in the time that i have known him, and he makes me feel safe.i would be willing to stand tilted at the edge of a cliff (and i’m afraid of heights) for this guy and it just seems that he doesn’t care any more (he says he does). My head is telling me to move on but my heart says to stay because things will never work between them. i don’t know what to do….

On a lighter note: work is going great, and im planning on moving to Oklahoma by next march to take the job at tinker…. My mom has eased up allot sense i was in high school but shes still the same old mom. My best friend is getting married this month and i’m a bridesmaid. My cat had 6 kittens and they are all doing great. that about it.

This is me

Where to start…. My name is Amber and I was born July 24th 1990, i have an older brother(Jimmy) and an older sister(Tiffany) life was great until i turned 6 i was a military brat and we moved all the time but i still had 2 siblings and a mom and dad that loved me to death… then in 1996 the inevitable happened my dad finally retired from the military and we settled in Oklahoma in late September i lost my role model my sister… 2 of her class mates kidnapped – raped- then killed her. the same year my parents filed for divorce, and my brother moved out of the house.
in 1999 the divorce was final and my mother and i moved to Texas, she met a great guy i call Charlie thought i don’t really care for him i do have to say he really is a great guy for her. he has 1 son whos name is also James, so to keep out the confusion we call him clay, when he was 18 he was dating a girl who was 16 her mother walked in and caught them doing stuff and now he is marked as a “child molester” which i think is bullshit pardon me but she did everything willingly but what ever. My dad got remarried February 14, 2007… but i didn’t even find out about it until July of 2007. He married a woman i call Terrie, i really don’t care for her but shes that great for my dad. with that i have 2 step sisters Bobbie (18) who im really close to and Tera(22) who im not all that close to but if i was around her more then i probably would be.

Fairytale ending

Tell me you love me,
that I was the one after all.
Love me with all your heart,
and catch me before i fall.

How I wish for that to happen,
but we both know its just a dream.
And it just wouldn’t be like before,
no matter how close to you I may seem.

You love her now,
and I’m just part of your past.
I guess we both somehow,
just knew this wouldn’t last.

I thought you cared,
but my heart hasn’t sung  since.
So much for my fairytale ending,
what happened to my prince?

My Christmas List

Dear santa,

so i have come to the conclusion….. i know what i want for christmas, i know it is out of the ordnary that i ask for anything buuut i have decided that i want snow this christmas…. yep thats right you herd it i want snow.you know the white fluffy stuff, not the kind that comes from a can but real frozen water…. now i dont want it mailed to me or given to me in a box i want it to fall from the sky and no im not giving you permission to get on my roof and dump it infront of my window I WANT REAL SNOW!

Always remember i normally dont ask for anything,

Amber

P.S. Ryan would fit nicely under the tree too =P but thats probably asking a bit too much so i will settle with just snow.